Doesn't happen does it? Not in a job you love doing,surely? Is it an 'off' day, are you just tired or is it 'just one of those days'!!!!!
Stress is a tough one to admit is happening to you.Especially when you dedicate yourself to others.You see yourself as being strong because you take on board the worries and concerns of those you meet. However, at some point it can find a way of grabbing you and pinning you down so you feel you have no strength to carry on let alone pick yourself up and climb out of the abyss you suddenly find yourself in.
This is how it happened for me -
I had been in visit to care for someone who had recently had a stroke.The visit went smoothly and on this occasion one of my bosses had come out to see how things were progressing. Once the visit had finished, notes recorded and goodbyes bid, we were outside by our cars and I was asked 'so, how are you?'
That was all it took. Tears,straggled sentences,bottom lip shuddering and my shoulders curling in because all I wanted to do was roll up in a ball.
Straight away my boss was on the phone to get cover for the rest of my visits that morning.(I appreciated the decision but it didn't stop me thinking of the people I would be letting down, the extra calls the programmers would have to make pretty sharpish,the extra workload put on the rest of the team...the pressure just increased!!!)
I soon found myself in the office, still blubbering and trying so hard to keep smiling because that was what I was known for but I'm sure the expressions my saturated face were making would've got me first place in a 'gurning' competition!!(You see, even as I write this I have to try and add a bit of humour best I can, its my coping mechanism!) Carrying on...By lunchtime I had offloaded to a very dear friend who understood fully and I had been signed off by my GP for 10days for stress/depression. I declined the offer of tablets to help me but had decided to have 10days of just 'me' time.
During that time I allowed myself to feel miserable,pitiful and as I always seem to do whenever something like this happens I managed to talk myself into the gutter being homeless,out of a job, on my own because of pride,useless and the dangerous thought for me is, I'm the common factor in all this upset I should step aside and be out of everyones way.
When it gets to that point I have learnt that it is time to have a cup of tea and start to build myself back up.I can't get much lower and no one can make me feel any worse than I already do, so it's upto me to make that change.
One of the things I've learnt over the years is that sometimes you want the world to 'freezeframe' just so you can catch your breath and gather yourself,once thats done the world can start moving again. Freezeframe doesn't happen, but close your eyes, become peaceful and find that place to rest,recognise and regain strength. Then, for me, you can carry on.
I remember reading somewhere once that when life around you becomes too much and you don't know where to start or what to deal with first, imagine you have entered an office with a big desk and files,folders, books, stacked up so high you just don't know what to do. It all needs to be dealt with but you are overwhelmed by the enormity of the job in hand. Keep looking at the desk but walk away, the further you get the smaller the stacks look and you realise, ok, its not so bad, I can deal with this and I shall start...here. You are on track and you are on a mission to get it sorted and what a great feeling it is once the desk is clear!!!!
I do tend to allow myself,even now, to recognise when I'm having a 'bad' day. Again, as I wrote in the 'My friend,Bad Back' post,I seperate myself from what I am feeling and have a little chat it tends to go something like this...' a tough day uh? This is the deal,cry and blubber and be fed up for 24hrs. Tomorrow you will be stronger and refreshed and you can welcome what the wonderful world has to offer you. You will be fine and yes , you do matter and you do make a difference.'
Always remember, you are never alone. I am lucky, I have the most beautiful family around me who have nothing but love to give, understanding and shine light whenever I am in a dark place. Thank you. x
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~Jennifer Yane
